


You'll Always Be #2 in My Heart

by RyanHollywood



Category: Conker's Bad Fur Day, Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Mel Gibson mention, Rare Pairings, Size Difference, Vore mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11529951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyanHollywood/pseuds/RyanHollywood
Summary: Ardyn meets Conker during a bad time in his life and Conker lifts him back up.





	You'll Always Be #2 in My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is what Conker looks like: http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/conker/images/d/d8/Conker_Artwork_-_Conker%27s_Bad_Fur_Day.png/revision/latest?cb=20120814182429 .

There was much to be said about Ardyn.

Sure, he is a man with ambitions, a man with intelligence, a man who, with the right tactics, can rule the world and plunge it into dankerss.

He also happened to have big pants that went up to his shoulders and had a furiied and squirrely boyfirend named conker. However, what you couldnt say about him was that he was a tall hunk of meat. Not at all, the delieciousness of a juicy piece of meet was not Ardyn. He wasn't tall either, i guess. His furrted boyfriend towered over him in comparinson.

  
Ardiyon and Conker met at a Happy Bar(TM) where they came to eat some Happy Males(TM) to Hyeong Gangnim Style, a classic from the 190s.

  
They were sitting next to each other at the patented corner that my lawyer doesnt allow me to write the full name of, sipping on their hard apple juice when ardyn said, "you know, they used to call me senpai in the early days. Before i got rejected by a stone."

If Conker had been any other man in this situation he'd have context sensitived the guy the way he did when that sentient poo tried to eat him like he was in some crazed reverse darwinistic fever dream. Ardyn sounded Insane. But he also seemed like he'd gone through a lot of pain till he finally got to sit right here in this classy joint. But he was also batshit crazy too. Conekrr was instantly smitten.

  
Without further ado, the extremely furred squirrel leaned down to the extremely small man and whispered, "do you wanna come over to my place?" Ardyn appeared uninterested until conker added ,"i'll call u senpai as much as you want"

  
And with that their relationship bloomed like a fucked up rose that you dont really want to get close to? Yeah.

  
It was weeks after this that Ardyn finally sat down and rehashed his bad bad plan to eliminate the Noctis man and his Noctisses. He was patiently waiting for breakfast when his furried boyfriend squirrel man brought it up.

  
"So," Cancer said for the 6th time since 2001, the year of his bad fur phase, as he shoved half frozen pizza bagels out of the pan and into Ardyns dinner plate. "Any news on the 'No Touch Dis' crew lately? You know, that emo band or something that is trying to foil your plans?"

  
Ardyn's head snapped up at the word "your." "Nothing," he sighed, staring down his soggy table. "And it's not like i havent veen trying to find those charcoal toast bread men, it's just that I lost all of my plans in the great toilet spill of 2017."

Conquã tooted his horn in sympathy. Ahhh, yes. The Great Toilet Spill of 2017 aka the revival of the Great Mighty Poo that resulted in a flooded apartment for till when as soon as 2 weeks. Luckily, Ardyn was already wearing those stupid shoulder height pants of his way before that and thus those clothes shit the bed too. Their entire wardrobe and furniture had to be replaced and since the Ike next door only had sonic themed stuff, ardenn and cobker had no choice but to go with that. Unfortunately though, the literal little piece of shit that started all this was still alive and in their toilet, waiting for the right moment to strike again.

  
"You could," conker began, rapidly shoving more and more butter into his snickers bar, "just give up too. Let the bois crack a cold one for once."

  
"Nah, I'd rather get vored by the seven dwarfs", Ardyn said dismissively. He thought real hard with his thinky brain, that's for sure. Conger could tell by the way ardyn chugged down 3 bottles of soft apple juice right in front of him.

  
"What about this then," His bofriedn said around 20 snickers bars in his huuuuge fucking squirrel cheeks. "You could finally take the poo out and then sic it at them. Let them duke it out. It'll be as easy as getting two birds with one poo."

  
Ardyn smacked his weirdly tiny hand to his forehead.

  
"Of course! How could I miss this! It is a briallant plan! Thank you my lov, u have motorcycled me enough to carry on my task of evildom," ardyn said as he pressed a wet farty kiss onto King Kong's furried cheek.

  
"Any time, sugar tits," conkuh said like a Mel Gibson (just the way ardyn liked it). With a chuckle dancing around his fedora, Arson headed off to do his evil deed.

**Author's Note:**

> I am a man of my


End file.
